The CSI: Miami Drinking Game

I … remember when CSI: Miami used to be … if not great, pretty good, Alexx. But … at some point … in its first season … it turned into CSI: David Caruso.

And … was a stinker, on top of that. (NYPD: David Caruso was much better and … had nudity, Detective Sipowicz.)

There may be … a worse show on television, Mr. Wolfe … but those involved … should be in jail.

So here … in recognition of the … worst-written … worst-acted … show on network television … is the CSI: Miami Drinking Game, Ms. Duquesne. I’m sorry about your alcoholic DA father.

The CSI: Miami Drinking Game!
1. Horatio puts on or takes off his sunglasses: Take a sip
2. Horatio … pauses unnaturally … while talking: Take a sip
3. Horatio openly lusts for his brother’s wife: Take a sip
4. Horatio lowers his head: Take a sip
5. Horatio talks while refusing to look at someone: Take a sip
6. Horatio puts his hands on his hips: Take a sip
7. Someone calls Horatio “H”: Take a sip
8. Horatio calls someone “my friend”: Take a sip
9. Horatio makes a solemn promise to a victim or a victim’s relative: Take a sip
10. Horatio saves someone from a bomb, sniper or natural disaster: Take a sip
11. A good guy looks at Horatio with adoration: Take a sip
12. A bad guy glares at Horatio: Take a sip
13. A bad guy threatens Horatio: Take a sip
14. Horatio’s “dead” brother Raymond is mentioned: Take a sip
15. Someone mentions Horatio’s troubled New York past: Take a sip
16. Cheesy line, Roger Daltry screams “YEAH!” and the opening credits roll: Finish your drink
17. Horatio’s brother’s wife, Yelina, shows cleavage: Take a sip
18. Eric Delko acts tough and/or troubled: Take a sip
19. Someone refuses to give Ryan Wolfe the benefit of the doubt: Take a sip
20. Calleigh Duquesne’s father is in a scene: Take a sip
21. Alexx Woods talks to a dead person: Take a sip
22. Detective Frank Tripp looks pissed: Take a sip
23. We see girls in bikinis: Take a sip
24. We see girls in a night club: Take a sip
25. We see someone having sex in a flashback: Take a sip
26. We see someone taking drugs in a flashback: Take a sip
27. We see a department-owned Humvee: Take a sip
28. Someone talks in a thick accent: Take a sip
29. Something explodes: Take a sip
30. Amazingly, a case turns out to have a link to Horatio: Finish your drink

And the evidence … never lies, my friend.

Liz Phair’s iTunes Exclusives album

Liz Phair, after being MIA for a bit — Where’s her podcast? Where are her 2006 tour dates? — has resurfaced, with a new iTunes Exclusives album over on, you guessed it, iTunes.

The album comes in both Clean and Explicit versions. Honestly, who’s listening to Liz Phair that wants a clean version? Some of her most interesting and most adult songs would be nigh-incomprehensible bowdlerized.

Anyway, both versions are $9.99, include her talking about her entire career and how she came up with the specific songs and feature live versions of a dozen songs, but you’ll need to burn them to CD yourself.

Victory at Wikipedia

After a threatened deletion and a bunch of edits, the Women in Refrigerators entry has settled down, is now factually accurate and still contains a brief homage to the late Rob Harris. (It’s annoying that Wikipedia spells “Web site” wrong, though.)

Thanks for all the hard work, Fred!

A drinking story

On a message board, someone asked to hear drinking stories. This is my best one:

My brother was working as a banking consultant and was on a months-long gig in Mexico City. He got free flights to/from the US every few weeks as part of his perks, and since I’d never been to Mexico, he flew me down, and we went out with some of the Mexican banking bigwigs he knew, all of whom were about our age.

We were touring the high-end tequila bars, when one of the Mexican bankers turns to me and says “wow, you really can drink for an American.”

Famous last words: “Oh, I was in a fraternity in college and lived in a fraternity house for four years. I can probably keep up with you.”

I said this. To a Mexican. About tequila.

Apparently, no one could tell I was drunk the rest of the night (I really can drink — it also helps not having any inhibitions to lose) and while I can’t remember any of it, apparently I charmed the hell out of a number of English-speaking Mexican beauties.

Finally, 17 shots and several hours later, we head back to the hotel. I get out of the cab and fall straight forward, onto my face. My brother and a bellman get me up to my brother’s room.

I proceed to stand in the middle of the room, looking at the wood-paneled walls. I open my mouth, and vomit comes out horizontally, painting all four walls as well as the four-poster king-sized elevated bed. My brother gets me into the bathroom, where I repeat the process.

My brother, who has a meeting in the morning, stays up all night cleaning the room with expensive towels.

I wake up at 4 p.m., feeling like someone has taken a hacksaw and cut through my forehead, halfway into my skull.

My brother still speaks to me, which speaks more of brotherly love than anything else he’s ever done.

American Chopper: The Third Season

Reality TV may have given us The Bachelor, but it also gave us American Chopper, one of the most-compulsively watchable shows on television today.

This season is the best to date, with some interesting bikes (the I, Robot bike is a whole lot cooler than the movie that inspired it), some classic Senior/Junior blow-outs and, best of all, lots of classic Mikey bits, including Mikey getting his wisdom teeth out and being absolutely out of his gourd on the drugs given to him by his dentist.

The Senior vs. Junior special is not closed-captioned, unlike the rest of the season’s shows, for some reason.

This is a value-priced DVD set and a great buy for the many, many fans of American Chopper, whether you like bikes or just enjoy the Teutel family’s antics.