It may be too dangerous to use fireworks in the High Desert, but at least Astraware has a free fireworks program for the Palm. (Foralimitedtimeonly.) You can even set the fireworks to shoot off by the Statue of Liberty against the NYC skyline.
OK, no, it’s not the same thing as real fireworks at all. Stupid bark beetles.
Forget the Man Laws, these are the REAL man laws: Pirate Laws.
Highlights include:
Parrots are the preferred pirate companion. Monkeys are an acceptable substitute, unless they fling their feces at people. Then they are an awesome substitute.
A pirate should always remove his hat in the presence of a bartender.
No pirate shall wear a bracelet or a necklace, unless it is the tooth or tusk of an animal he killed. If in the presence of cannibals, a necklace is acceptable camouflage, but only if said necklace is made of human toes.
A pirate must never visit a tanning salon. If he is not already tan enough from searching for treasure, he hasn’t been searching hard enough.
Female pirates are allowed some exception to rules concerning hygiene and garmentry, but must make up for it by using twice as much profanity.
So, the flu from hell cleared up about a week ago, but I still don’t have the use of my left ear and I occasionally have sinus pain in the ear or in my left forehead.
When the phone stopped ringing today, I finally went to the doctor, where I was given antibiotics. Things have immediately started moving around in my head — of all the parts of my body, my skull is the place I’m least interested in having things move around — and things have started to get … drippy again.
I expect the next few days to be very gross, but to be able to hear at the end again, which is good, because my left ear is my phone ear.
Lalochezia: Emotional discharge gained by uttering indecent or filthy words.
Who knew there was an actual medical term for feeling better after letting loose with a string of profanity?
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