Let me say this up-front: I’m a huge fan of the “Hellblazer” comic book, especially the long run by Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon. So I was more than a little nervous about this movie. But at the same time, I also like films like this, even when they’re not connected to any existing franchise.
“Constantine
” feels like it both took too little from the comic books and not enough, which is a neat trick. There’s likely a heck of a good movie on the cutting room floor or, more likely, in previous versions of the scripts that were sliced and spliced together to make the theatrical version of the film.
Keanu Reeves plays LA detective John Constantine or, as he says it, “John Constantine, a-hole.” That’s a cute line, but it points to one of the major problems with the film: It’s Schwarzeneggerized. Dialogue in the movie, for the most part, consists of clever catch phrases (and we know “John Constantine, a-hole” is a catch phrase because a riff is done on it by another character within the first minute of Reeves saying it in the movie). Is he an a-hole? Hard to tell: In the comics, he certainly is — John Constantine in “Hellblazer” will sacrifice small children to save a city, or sell someone else’s soul for a marginally improved chance of defeating an enemy. In the film, Reeves’ Constantine is mostly just moody, but we never heard him say “I’m Neo, a-hole” or “I’m either Bill or Ted, a-hole” in previous movies, despite his Constantine not being dramatically different from any of his other roles. But it’s a cute line, so we’re stuck with it.
In the comics, these clever bits that Constantine says are spaced out over several issues and we see a lot more of his street level grungy street magic. He’s not a cool guy, he’s a failed human being who happens to pull a rabbit out of his hat and save the day, once in a while, but at great cost to everyone around him. In the movie, we get all the cool bits and none of the context. This is Neo in wool instead of leather and using magic instead of virtual reality.
Likewise, the story, involving the Devil’s son, angels and demons involved in a cold war on Earth and twin psychics, is very authentically “Hellblazer” — specifically, it hits a lot of the moments in the Ennis/Dillon run — but where it should explain, it skims and where it should move quickly, it broods on arty sequences. As a result, the actual plot of the movie comes suddenly at the end, and it feels as though most of what came before was unneeded, and it probably was.
Having said that, the film looks like a million bucks, whether it’s cinematography, special effects or costuming. You can certainly see where they spent the money they saved on having a solid script doctor come in and clean things up afterwards.
Those interested in the subject matter — a war between Heaven and Hell in a modern urban landscape — would be better advised to pick up the Ennis/Dillon “Hellblazer” paperbacks (all of which are available here at Amazon) instead. “Hellblazer” fans would be advised to rent this, at most.
Someone, someday, will make a great gritty supernatural thriller set on the mean streets of London. “Constantine” isn’t it, and isn’t even a particularly satisfying appetizer for that film.
Joss Whedon talks about, well, everything he’s ever worked on, pretty much, in this article from In Focus. I had no idea he’d had any involvement with Toy Story. (Spotted at Kung Fu Rodeo, which was once 4 Color Review and no longer has a name in the title bar at all. Trendy bastards!)
As you go about casting Diana, do you set a height requirement? How important is it that the Amazon princess be tall?
It’s important. I’m looking for somebody statuesque, regal, beautiful, who can really act and do a lot of stunts with no elbow or knee pads. I’m asking a lot. So if I happen to find all those qualities in somebody who does not quite meet my height requirement, I will be casting some really short love interest. The height is definitely a part of the package. But the most important part? No. And the fact of the matter is, a woman stands as tall as she makes you think she is. For example, I always thought [“Buffy� writer-producer] Marti Noxon was four inches taller than she actually was. I just found that out last week.
A pitch for the greatest reality show of all time. Lordy, I would love to see the Muppets back on prime time in something like this. (Source.)
And for more Muppet fun, check out Statler & Waldorf’s online movie reviews.
Now for larger than life characters of another sort: Apparently Marilyn Monroe had a lesbian sexual encounter with Joan Crawford. And Joe DiMaggio wasn’t all that interested in having sex with Marilyn. I’ll never think the 1950s were boring ever again.
The Associated Press is reporting that a Caltech scientist has discovered a tenth planet in our solar system, well beyond the orbit of Pluto:
It’s icy, rocky and bigger than Pluto. And according to scientists who found it orbiting the sun, it’s the newest planet on our solar system’s block. The planet — the farthest-known object in the solar system — is currently 9 billion miles away from the sun, or about three times Pluto’s current distance from the sun.
“This is the first object to be confirmed to be larger than Pluto in the outer solar system,” Michael Brown, a planetary scientist at the California Institute of Technology, said Friday in a telephone briefing announcing the discovery.
Brown labeled the object as a 10th planet, but there are scientists who dispute the classification of Pluto as such.
Astronomers do not know the new planet’s exact size, but its brightness shows that it is at least as large as Pluto and could be up to 1 1/2 times bigger. The research was funded by NASA.
Brown has submitted a name for the new planet to the International Astronomical Union, which has yet to act on the proposal, but he did not release the proposed name Friday.
OK, everyone who had “five years” in the pool, you lose. After six years of marriage, Jenn still hasn’t kicked me out or suffocated me with a pillow (yet). To celebrate, the plan, I think is, Johnny Carino’s in Victorville.
And, of course, nothing says “romance” like getting together with 38 other geeks to fight a dragon the size of a Wal-Mart in World of Warcraft.
Happy anniversary, bebe.
