LBY3
The continuing adventures of Beau Yarbrough

American Muslims play their part in the armed forces

Sunday, February 19, 1995, 0:00
Section: Journalism

Originally published in the February 19-25, 1995 edition of The Middle East Times.

In addition to the relatively light touch of a non-native English speaker’s copy editing this time around, notice that the basic assumptions of the post-edit story are that Muslim rites are known to the readers, while things Americans would take for granted — that there are multiple types of Christians, for instance — have to be spelled out for the predominantly Muslim and international readership of the paper.

The U.S. Army has 1,338 chaplains: 1,178 Protestant Christians of various types, 139 Roman Catholic priests, 9 Orthodox Christian preachers, 11 Jewish rabbis … and one Muslim imam.

Appointed last year, Abdel-Rashid Mohammed is the U.S. armed services’ first Muslim military chaplain. And as someone born a Christian, he never dreamed he’d be “the one who the Divine would choose to make history.” He now caters to the spiritual needs of the estimated 10,000 Muslims currently serving in the U.S. armed forces.

“In the Army, we try to reflect the American people in our ranks,” says Chaplain Colonel William L. Hufham, the deputy director of the Chaplain Support Agency. Islam is one of the fastest growing religions in the United States.

Hufham says Buddhists in the American military will probably have a chaplain of their own in 1995.

Having Muslim clerics serving the troops “has been in the works for a long, long time,” adds Lieutenant Colonel Dough Hart of the U.S. Defense Department’s Office of Public Affairs.

Part of the problem was finding a religious sponsor for a Muslim chaplain. Although the number of American Muslims has skyrocketed n recent years, there are still only 1,100 mosques in America.

“It took some time to find out what would be the proper sponsoring organization, and the military has specific requirements for officers,” says Hart, “So it was quite a long process.”

That long process bore fruit.

Mohammed, a Sunni Muslim, was recommended by the American Muslim Federation, a coalition of American Islamic groups that was officially recognized as a sponsoring body by the Armed Forces Chaplain’s Board in 1991.

Mohammed, 41, was raised a Baptist Christian in Buffalo, New York, and converted to Islam in 1974. Chosen from 45 candidates, he began his chaplain’s training in late January 1994. He underwent a modified version of the basic American military training, received counseling training and learned hospital ministry.

Mohammed is no stranger to the U.S. military, however. He was formerly an Army sergeant for eight years.

The commissioning of a Muslim chaplain has meant some official changes for the Army. The chaplain’s seal on uniforms was made more generic: the Christian cross and Jewish Star of David were removed in favor of an open book and a dove.

The U.S. armed forces have long attempted to accommodate different religious groups where possible, says Hart.

“As long as religious requirements do not conflict with the requirements of the military, we have no problem.”

Which is not always the case.

In 1993, an American court sided with the military against a group of Sikhs who alleged religious discrimination. The Sikh faith forbids the cutting of hair or beards, and requires that turbans be worn.

The court said the military’s needs outweighed those of the Sikhs. The problem, according to Hart, was “Gas masks don’t fit well over beards, and that sort of thing.” Some Muslim men believe that the wearing of a beard is a distinguishing characteristic of a Muslim male.

The Muslim’s duty of salat, praying towards Mecca five times a day, and requirements of a pork-free diet poses no great problem for military procedures.

Military field rations, known as Meals Read to Eat, or MREs, are now available in special versions to meet the dietary needs of both Jews and Muslims.

“In all cases, we try to help the people, give them time off for all the holidays,” says Hart.

Last year, 75 enlisted Muslims made their pilgrimage to Mecca aboard a military aircraft.

This year, a memo from the Armed Forces Chaplain’s Board circulated to chiefs of chaplains to explain the holy month of Ramadan, and what to expect.

Muslim service personnel were allowed to request release from duty at least half an hour before sunset to prepare for iftar and for after-sunset prayer.

They were also allowed to request exemption from participation in rigorous daily physical training and field training exercises, and a liberal leave policy was recommended for the duration of Ramadan.

The U.S. military has well-established procedures for countering prejudice within its ranks; a combination of education and punitive action.

“We do everything in our power to keep those sorts of things from happening,” says Hart. He could not find any record of military personnel complaining of discrimination against them for following Islam, although others say there have been difficulties.

“Definitely there are problems,” says Abdel-Rahman Alamoudi, director of the Washington D.C.-based American Muslim Council (AMC). “We think it is an issue of ignorance. As we speak to the military and educate them, the progress comes.”

Officially, there are only about 2,500 people who have designated themselves as Muslims in the military today, says Hart. But the real figure is much higher.

“You have to remember that announcing your religious preference [when enlisting] is only an option,” he says.

Of the 1.7 million or so men and women in the military, 81 percent describe themselves as Christians, while 15 percent declare no preference.

“Unfortunately, we do need a lot of education in the military,” says Alamoudi. “There are a lot of Muslims who have not come out of the closet, because they are still fearful” of discrimination.

“During the war against Iraq, we had a few problems with Muslim personnel who abstained from going.”

While some Muslims who did not want to fight against the Iraqis claimed the legal protection of being conscientious objectors to the war, others simply went Absent Without Leave — a serious crime in America which can result in court-martial and imprisonment.

A misunderstanding on the part of non-Muslims led to two Muslim sailors who were praying in Arabic aboard ship being accused of conspiring against the U.S.-led alliance. The AMC’s legal staff stepped in, however, and the sailors were never brought to trial.

While he does not paint a perfect picture of Muslim life in the military, Alamoudi is positive about the prospects for the future of Muslims in the military and calls the ordination of a Muslim chaplain a milestone.

“I hope we will get to the day when there are no problems,” he says. “I can say that the leadership of the military has been very helpful in attempting to solve these problems.”

Mohammed, along with his wife and six children, was assigned to Fort Bragg, North Carolina. Although estimates vary, about 500 of the 50,000 soldiers stationed there are Muslims. Previously, they had to go off-post for Friday prayers or attend prayers on-post led by laymen.

Fort Bragg also has the distinction of having the army’s only female rabbi among its 80 chaplains.

“it is an excellent chance for the country in general to learn about Islam,” says Mohammed. “I feel honored God has chosen me to carry on my shoulders this great responsibility.”

His appointment is an “important achievement in American history, Islamic history and for the history of black Muslims especially.

“I will do all I possibly can to meet the needs of Muslim soldiers, including allowing women to wear the hegab … allowing Muslim conscripts to perform prayers and the Ramadan fast … without that conflicting with the security duties of the unit in which they serve,” he vows.



The Ancient Art of Exorcism

Wednesday, February 1, 1995, 0:00
Section: Egypt,Journalism

Originally written in February 1995 for the Middle East Times.

CAIRO, Egypt — It is a windy night in Maasara, one of Cairo’s poorest suburbs. The brightly colored lamps Egyptians hang during the holy month of Ramadan are strung across claustrophobic alleyways, and they sway in the breeze, making shadows dance. Inside one home, however, the mood is anything but festive.

“Humankind is not the only thinking race in this universe,” Mohammed Labib says. By day, Labib, 50, a short, neatly groomed man with graying hair and a quick smile, is a Cairo school supervisor. In his off-hours, he practices the ancient art of exorcism.

Labib is a member of the mystical Sufi sect of Islam. He performed his first exorcism almost 20 years ago, on a friend’s sister.

The existence of jinn, who are repeatedly mentioned in the Koran, is an article of faith for many Egyptian Muslims. Belief in the invisible beings is widespread here, just as belief in UFOs and ghosts is common in the United States. While exorcists do not exactly advertise their services, those in need are able to find one fairly easily.

Cairo’s Al-Azhar University, the world’s oldest Islamic university and the home of official Egyptian religious doctrine, is divided on the subject, corroborating the existence of jinn but making no comment on the subject of possession.

Labib’s patient, “YM,” a 25-year-old, gangly, bespectacled Cairo accountant says he has been plagued by troubles for some time now, including a broken engagement.

Last year, he spent a week in the hospital, where he says his heart repeatedly stopped for no apparent reason. His older brother heard a rumor YM was the victim of magic, and suggested they visit Labib, who has allegedly discovered and exorcised several jinn behind many of his problems.

“When you are ill, you go to the doctor and you say ‘God and my doctor may make me well,'” YM says. “I came to Mr. Mohammed just like coming to the doctor. My soul is ill.”

Over the course of the evening, Labib chants passages from the Koran and brings YM in and out of trances, in which the young man grunts and snorts like a wild animal, vibrates violently and moans like a person gripped by pain or passion. The women of the household cluster outside the room, listening to the screams.

After three and a half hours, Labib’s persistence bears fruit. YM writhes, his arms and legs slamming against the concrete floor, padded by only a threadbare blue carpet, and he alternates between shrieks and a cat-like hissing. The existence or non-existence of jinn is irrelevant: YM clearly believes himself possessed, and tomorrow will have the sore throat and battered limbs to prove it.

Gone is the quiet, somewhat mousy accountant. His bearing is assertive now, even arrogant. His skin is much paler and his facial features appear sharper. His eyes, now heavily lidded, roll around in their sockets. His body jerks back and forth and his fists clench and unclench spasmodically.

Labib says he has mystically trapped the jinni in YM’s body, which he has rendered useless. After another half hour of thrashing and screaming, the jinni begins to talk.

He says his name is “Hawgiin,” meaning “something fixable” in Arabic, and claims a magician sent him to kill YM. Labib warns the jinni he will not be released until he renounces his evil intentions. When the jinni refuses, Labib calls upon another jinni to punish Hawgiin, evoking more screams. The jinni finally relents after five-and-a-half hours of exorcism. Before dismissing it, Labib and the half-dozen observers sitting around the edge of the room quiz the jinni.

There is a pattern to YM’s possessions: Labib convinces each jinni, who originally intended the young man harm, to promise not to hurt him. In the weeks following, however, a new jinni appears. Over the months he has been coming to see Labib, four different jinn have manifested, and have begun to do so in the course of his ordinary life as well. Some claim Iblis (Satan) himself sent them to torment him. Recently, a jinni warned it was no use trying to purge YM of his demons: “He’s ours.”

According to Labib, YM’s unusual piety — “I never touched wine, I never touched a girl, I always pray,” the accountant says before the exorcism — was what attracted the evil attentions of the jinn to begin with. When he emerges from the trance, YM breaks down in tears.

Some dismiss possession as a hold-over from a previous era, when mental illness was less understood, and the parallels to the American Salem witch trials are obvious.

“Folklore and culture are impregnated in a person, regardless of their education,” says Dr. Ahmed Okasha, the president of the Egyptian Psychiatric Association and the Arab Federation of Psychiatrists. “You come to 1995 and some psychiatrists are still seeing ‘possession’ as a factor in mental illness … We are going back to the Middle Ages.”

Labib investigates other supernatural events as well.

Eight months ago, Yehia, a foreign affairs correspondent for one of Egypt’s daily newspapers, contacted Labib after his wife, Elham, saw a strange man in their apartment in Heliopolis, another suburb of Cairo.

Yehia had gone to work one morning and Elham, 28, was sleeping when she heard the door slam. She lay in bed on her side, facing a bedroom mirror, which reflected the front door. Seeing nothing in the mirror, she turned to find a large man wearing a green suit standing in her bedroom doorway.

“I was so terrified, I shut my eyes,” she says.

When she opened them again, he was standing at the foot of her bed, staring at her. Each time she closed and reopened her eyes, the man was in a different position in the bedroom, facing her, his face an emotionless mask.

Elham, sure he meant to rob and kill her, was paralyzed with fear. She shut her eyes and began reciting from the Koran. After a moment, the bathroom window — a tiny window hinging inwards for ventilation opening onto an eight-story drop to the street — slammed shut. Then the man was back in her doorway. He stared at her a moment, then vanished.

Elham called Yehia, 34, at the paper. Her husband returned home and searched the apartment, finding no sign of an intruder or robbery. He then began reciting the first sura (verse) of the Koran, which is thought to have power over jinn. After furniture began vibrating, Yehia and Elham moved in with her mother.

Labib examined the apartment, paying special attention to his emotions while there, then drove the jinni away with recitations from the Koran, incantations and mystically significant numbers.

While normally invisible and intangible, the exorcist says jinn have all-too-human hearts and sometimes fall in love with humans and attempt to ruin their relationships. Elham’s visitor was one such jinni, he explained.

A devout Muslim, Yehia is an educated man, with a passion for Western culture. Yet he had no trouble believing a jinni was in his apartment.

“I know my wife: She is not crazy. … She has a healthy emotional life, so of course I thought it might be something supernatural.”

While Sufis claim there are jinn throughout the world, spirits play little part in modern culture outside the Middle East. The captive jinni, Hawgiin, was unwilling or unable to clear up the discrepancy.

“Hey, man,” Hawgiin says, in a near-perfect American accent, unlike YM’s hesitant English, “Don’t ask me that question. Ask those people.”



KFC in sign language

Sunday, December 25, 1994, 0:00
Section: Egypt,Journalism

Originally published in the December 25-31, 1994 edition of The Middle East Times. The sometimes stiff or odd phrasing should mostly be attributed to copy editors with varying commands of the English language. Still, no one of any nationality can suppress my pathological need to end stories with a quote.

Wester fast food restaurants are becoming increasingly common in Egypt, particularly in the more affluent areas of the capital. But there is a new KFC restaurant in Dokki that is unique, for hte reason that it is staffed entirely by hearing-impaired employees.

For many of the 28 employees at KFC, this is the first job they have ever had. Their enthusiasm shows as they eagerly sign a greeting to customers: a raised hand with the thumb, index and little fingers extended, and the middle and ring fingers clenched, meaning “I like you” in American Sign Language, which is used internationally among the deaf.

But even for those who have had other jobs, the work here is an entirely new experience, for instead of being hidden behind the scenes, they now work directly with the customers.

Not all the employees can lip-rad, and few hearing customers know sign language, so the restaurant uses menus with large photos and captions in English and Arabic, which customers can point at to order. The system works, well, and causes a lot less confusion than is often generated between Arabic speakers and foreigners who know just a little of each other’s languages. In addition, Americana, the company holding the KFC franchise, has a full-time on-site sign language translator.

When Americana general manager Ibrahim Al ALfi came up with the idea of having a restaurant run by the hearing-impaired, he was surprised to learn that KFC already had one such restaurant in Malaysia. He promptly dispatched his restaurant division manager, Adel Hussein, to Southeast Asia to study the Malaysian operation. Americana has more profitable restaurants, but Hussein says that, in this case, the company has a different bottom line.

“It’s totally and 100 percent to healp deaf and hearing-impaired people and to prove they can work like normal people,” he says.

The location at 9 Al Saad Al Ali Street was chosen, Hussein says, because the company believed the quiet, upmarket area would be accomodating towards a restaurant run by the handicapped.

Americana’s enthusiasm is shared by the government, including Prime Minister Atif Sidki, who officially opened the store.

“After I finished school, I couldn’t find a job until I got work here,” signs cashier Yasser Abdullah, 23, who, like many of his fellow employees, learned of the job through a deaf support organization. “I never dreamed I could get a job like this, with an all-deaf staff. I always figured I would be the only deaf one.”



Pat Buchanan has come out swinging against the left and George Bush. Despite the fierce rhetoric, those who know him best say he’s really a pussy cat.

Tuesday, February 1, 1994, 0:00
Section: Journalism

Originally published in the McLean Providence Journal.

In 1992, Pat Buchanan leapt into the public eye with his attempt to steal the Republican Party nomination from president George Bush.

Buchanan belongs to select group of public figures whose mere names get an immediate emotional reaction, whether positive or negative.

Most Americans are familiar with him through his much-watched run for the presidency, or his tough-talking television debate show.

But those who know him describe Buchanan as a smart and funny man whose strong words are the product of intellectual rigor and passion rather than venom.

A resident of McLean for 17 years, he and his wife Shelley live in a large, white brick house on Saville Lane next to the Central Intelligence Agency.

His home is decorated with antiques and a pair of bronze busts: one of himself in the front hall and one of his former boss, Ronald Reagan — for whom Buchana served as Director of Communications during the “Great Communicator’s” second term in the White House — in the living room.

Amidst the elegance are two hints of a Buchanan less well known: a row of cheerful animal statuettes on the mantle and an affectionate tabby named Gipper, another tribute to Reagan.

Buchanan has a large physical presence with an easy manner about him. Just back from a lecture in Dallas, he was cool and unfazed by the prospect of an interview.

He describes himself as a “Washingtonian by birth and a Virginian by choice.”

While Buchanan considers McLean his home, he is not what anyone would call a community activist.

“With all due respect, I would be hard put to name the members of my county’s council or who the mayor is or if we even have a mayor,” he says.

A day in the life
Mondays are typically the busiest day of the week for him.

They begin early, while most people are still in bed, as he finishes his syndicated newspaper column begun the night before and sends it to Atlanta via modem.

After that, it’s a phone call to Mutual Radio to discuss his nationwide call-in talk show, followed by a jog around CIA headquarters.

Following his three-hour radio broadcast, on alternate Mondays, he’s off to the D.C studios of the Cable News Network for “Crossfire.”

Then, before turning in, he writes a rough draft of his next column.

In addition to his regular schedule, he makes roughly 25 speeches and panel appearances each year and he works with his McLean-based political organization, The American Cause.

“Pat Buchanan is the greatest American statesman today,” says Terry Jeffrey, the executive director of the American Cause and a Buchanan true believer. “I think he’s an inspiring figure, from a distance and close-up. What more can I say than that?”

In what free time he does have, he likes to go out to dinner with family or his friends on the staff of The Washington Times.

“What I find interesting,” says Pat’s sister, Angela “Bay” Buchanan, “Is that the perception of him is so different than the real Pat Buchanan. He’s one of the warmest and friendliest people imaginable.

“People go on his TV show expecting the worst, and they just end up laughing. He doesn’t mind disagreeing with people, and he enjoys people with strong opinions. … No matter what your philosophy is, he’s a great person to have dinner with. You may disagree with him, but you’ll laugh your head off while you do so, you know?”

Columnist Sam Francis, one of Pat’s friends from the Washington Times, also mentions Pat’s sense of humor.

“On his radio show, Pat laughs through most of it; he has a very comic sense. He comes out swinging and I think he expects others to come out swinging, too. That’s part of the game with Pat.”

Buchanan’s constant outpouring of opinion in print and across the airwves attracts some criticism from others in the public eye.

Francis says the media, excepting perhaps the Times, has “cast [Buchanan] as Tyrannosaurus Rex” for his opinions.

“Well, I think his public persona is really unfair,” Francis says. “He’s supposed to be harsh. I think the opposite is true: He’s very outgoing and friendly [and] he takes care of his friends.”

Playboy magazine recently called Buchanan a “mean-spirited meathead,” a label that doesn’t faze him.

“I don’t read Playboy. They asked me a number of years ago to do an interview and I said no.”

Quite simply, he doesn’t take their journalistic opinions seriously, he says.

“He has a great sensibility,” says Bay. “And he taught me this: to laugh when he’s under attack. He laughs about it.”

Part of the reason Buchanan attracts the criticism he does — which came fast, thick and often nasty during his days on the 1992 campaign trail — is that his politics, while conservative, are different from what many now associate with “mainstream” conservative politics.

Buchanan believes history will be on his side.

“Well, I think those you would call the ‘America First’ conservatives are very much on the ascendancy and I think their arguments and philosophy are going to be dominant in the Republican Party. You see the ‘Interventionists,’ if you will, in the debate on Bosnia, [they] argue for the use of American military power and going in and getting into the quagmire.”

“He really sees what the issues are long before they come,” says Bay. “Immigration is a perfect example. He was called a racist and a nativist and a xenophobe … because he said we have to do something about this problem.

“Seven or eight months after all the national papers and elected officials are calling us names, The Wall Street Journal comes out and calls immigration ‘the issue of the ’90s.’

“Pat accepts that.”

In the Crossfire
More than a decade ago, Buchanan went beyond the printed page to use the even more influential medium of television.

The Washington headquarters of the Cable News Network is only a few blocks from the Capitol Building, where decisions are made that affect the entire planet.

Those making the decisions are the guests — some might say victims — of CNN’s talk show “Crossfire.”

“Pat is a pleasure to work with,” says Rick Davis, the executive director of “Crossfire.” “ALL the staff enjoys working with him. He really is a journalist at heart.

“Anybody who’s here who wants to stop him and talk to him about the issues of the day, he will. That’s the thing I really respect about him.

“To see someone of his prominence, influence, stature, wealth, reputation treat people like that is a credit to him.”

SInce 1982, Buchanan has been the show’s conservative voice, debating with guests and, for four years, co-host Michael Kinsley of The New Republic.

“We do not socialize,” says Kinsley. “I’ve had dinner once with Pat.

“We get along together fine and we work together fine.”

Meanwhile, Davis has gotten word that there is to be a Senate vote 10 minutes before the show goes on the air live.

The guests, Sen. John Breaux (D-Louisiana) and Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona), will try to be on time, but it will be close.

With one minute to air, the senators make it and the show goes off smoothly.

The debate begins politely, but soon collapses into the bickering viewers have come to expect, with the senators talking over one another and attacking each other wickedly.

Buchanan, waiting for a moment to jump in, smiles with amusement.

President Buchanan
Buchanan’s belief that the Republican Party had somehow gone astray is what ultimately led him to make his failed run for the presidency.

During the 1992 presidential race, he was criticized by some for not having a real connection to the people, particularly because he has never been elected to office.

If that criticism ever had any merit, according to Bay, it didn’t by the time he bowed out of the race.

“He had gone from being a brilliant student of the issues and a debater … he had now taken on a human dimension. Now, he had met people first-hand in the unemployment line, women in terrible economic straits. All of the sudden, he becamse their spokesperson.

“He was transformed by his experience as a candidate into a leader, a real leader of people, instead of the most articulate person for his cause.”

At this time, less than halfway through the term of a Democratic president with an uncertain political future, Buchanan isn’t ready to throw his hat into the ring any time soon.

“Oh, I haven’t made up my mind what I’m going to do in ’96.

“But I do think that the kinds of issues I raised in 1992 — an America First foreign policy, no new taxes, an end to big government conservatism, taking control of America’s borders — these are issues that have great currency in both parties now. People are coming around to those points of view. Those issues are going to be represented in the politics of 1996, I guarantee it.”

Unlike her brother, Bay has no doubts whether Pat should run for president in 1996, and is prepared to use force if needed to convince him.

“If he doesn’t run, he’s going to have this crazy woman on his doorstep, banging the door down.

“I believe we will see Pat Buchanan running in ’96.”

Bay was right: Her brother made his second bid for the presidency in 1996.



Hi ho, Dumbo!

Friday, September 24, 1993, 0:00
Section: Journalism

This column originally appeared in The News (a renamed version of The News Messenger for a brief period in the early 1990s).

Yes, it's blurry. It's better than your picture of you riding an elephant, pal.Blacksburg — As you may have heard, the circus was recently in town, the Clyde Beatty-Cole Brothers Circus, to be exact, “The World’s Largest Circus Under the Big Top.”

You may have also heard they were looking for an honorary ringmaster for our newspaper’s “family night.” When my editor was tapped for the job a few years ago, she did it with some trepidation. There was no trouble getting a sucker this time.

I think I may have vaulted a desk, flinging our photographer to the side, when I volunteered.

You see, the honorary ringmaster gets to ride an elephant in the opening parade. I don’t know what your goals in life are, but riding in a circus parade certainly fits in with my life ambitions. (Isn’t it amazing that some young woman hasn’t snapped me up yet?)

The honorary ringmaster also welcomes the audience and blows a whistle. Ho-hum. I majored in Broadcasting in college — humiliating me in public is nearly impossible. As the day of the elephant ride approached, I cared about one thing: just point me at that pachyderm!

I considered going for the full Tarzan effect, but couldn’t find my leopard skin g-string. I also suspect my boss would be less than pleased with me representing the paper that way.

The big day arrived at last and I found myself sitting in the bleachers hoping to see a geek bite the head off a chicken or a tattooed woman. No such luck. The wierdest thing they had at the show were two women hanging 20 feet above the ground by their hair.

Exactly how does one discover that talent in life? Perhaps I’m boring, but I don’t recall ever being suspended two-and-a-half stories in the air by a body part.

The big moment was here. I mumbled out a welcome and blew the whistle. Then I, along with the publisher’s daughter, who also rode an elephant, jogged back to where the beasts were waiting.

Wow, big animals. Yes, I know you’ve seen elephants before. But until you are about to fling yourself atop one, you don’t realize they probably could eat your Honda for a snack.

“How do I get on?” I asked one of the handlers.

“The same way you get on your elephant at home,” he said.

“Ha ha,” I said.

To my credit, I did it on the first try, stepping up on the elephant’s knee and flinging my leg over the back of his neck. I may have done it a bit too well, as the elephant stood up as my leg was half-way over. I tugged my way up and tried to maintain my cool.

My friends and co-workers were waiting in the audience. I was not going to blow this: the abuse that I would receive if I did would likely kill a weaker man.

So, my gargantuan friend and I lumbered into the tent.

“This is pretty easy,” I thought. I held onto the harness with one hand, waving to the children in the audience and the occasional surprised story source. I even got cocky enough to check my hair as I saw some friends with a camera.

Then my buddy, my pal, my peanut-snorting amigo saw that the parade was nearly over — and he bagan to hustle for the exit.

When an elephant hustles, believe you me, you HOLD ON.

After the parade, I lingered backstage for a moment, hoping to see a disgruntled clown go on a shooting spree or perhaps a tiger break free and maul a worker.

Now, I sit back and remember the presence that a lumbering elephant commands. Riding one was pretty easy; maybe I should consider getting one for the commute to work.


 








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Veritas odit moras.